“A Real Man Wouldn’t Shoplift the Pootie from a Single Mom.”

No one can forget the iconic Jerry Maguire quotes, “You had me at hello” and “You complete me.” Barf. Try as I might, I can’t even forget them. These quotes rank up there in Cheesyville with, “You are the wind beneath my wings” and “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” Double bag barf please.

It’s not that I don’t like Jerry Maguire, Beaches, or Forrest Gump. I thoroughly enjoyed watching each movie. I laughed, I cried, blah-blah-blah. In my humble opinion, all can be considered noteworthy cinema. It’s just that I’m attracted to a different sort of quote, the type of quote that someone would actually say in real life - NOT the nausea-inducing popular ones quoted above.

For instance, my favorite quote from Jerry Maguire comes from the scene where Jerry is confiding to Rod (his friend/star football player) that dating Dorothy (who happens to be a single mom) is complicated. Please note that this conversation takes place after Jerry has already played the piano with Dorothy.

Rod: “I feel for you, man. But a real man wouldn’t shoplift the pootie from a single mom.”
Jerry: “I didn’t shoplift the pootie.”
[Rod gives Jerry a long, knowing look.]
Jerry: “All right. I shoplifted the pootie.”

I have always loved this quote, even before I joined the ranks of single motherhood. First of all, the word “pootie” is just plain funny, and as I have shared in earlier blog entries, my humor is a touch elementary. The second reason I adore this quote is because I think it rings true in terms of the common perception of dating single parents. As a single mother who doubles as a dating woman, I find it can be difficult for men to balance the idea that I can be a regular 30 year old woman and also be a good mother. It’s similar to the madonna/whore complex in the belief that a woman can EITHER be a pure-wife-and-doting-mother-type OR a fun-flirty-sexual-girlfriend-type. Personally, I’d like to believe I can multitask.

To illustrate this point, let’s look back at a conversation I had several months ago. At the time, I had been seeing this guy for a couple of months. Let’s call him Marshall. (Dear goodness above, I do hope he’s not reading this.) I considered Marshall to be a catch – he was attractive, intelligent, lived on his own, had a decent job, and most importantly, he appeared to have a genuinely kind soul. In my mind (obviously not his), I was wondering if it was going to cross over to the next level. You all know what I mean. We were teetering in that gray, ambiguous are-we or aren’t-we phase. So, we had “the talk.” Again, you know what I mean. “The talk” is that extremely awkward discussion that involves exclusivity that no one ever really wants to have. In fact, I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a plastic spoon than have “the talk,” but sometimes, it just can’t be avoided.

Anyway, Marshall led the conversation by asking what I wanted. I answered his question and then asked him what he wanted. What I found interesting about his response is that the very first thing out of his mouth was, “Kat, I’ve never dated a single mother before. I feel like I need to be more responsible with you. I think I should take things slowly with you.” Notice his response had very little to do with me as a person, but a lot to do with my status as a parent.

Like I said before, I truly believe Marshall is a decent guy, so I don’t think it was a complete cop-out. I suspect part of him wanted to continue shopping while keeping me in the cart, but I also believe part of him was more reserved because I do have a child. Like it or not, dating a single parent is a big deal, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad deal.

So, just what is it about dating a single mom that is sooooo piss in your pants scary? We don’t turn into gremlins if you feed us after midnight. We don’t vomit pea soup. We don’t boil rabbits. We’re just ordinary people, who happen to have reproduced in the past.

Last summer, my dear gal pal, Carrie, and I were having this very debate. Carrie is married, but she agreed to probe her husband’s single friends regarding their thoughts on dating single moms. I wasn’t there, but this is what she said happened: First, she posed the question, “What do you think about dating a single mom?” Pregnant pause (no pun intended). Then, one guy peeped up with, “at least you know she puts out.” Several snickers later, they all agreed that dating a single mom really isn’t a catastrophic event. Halleluiah, halleluiah, ha-lle-lu-iah!

Moving forward, I would like people to view dating single parents in a positive light. For this reason, I have compiled a list of the advantages of dating a single mother.

The Top 10 Reasons You Should Drop Everything You’re Doing Right Now and Rush Into the Arms of a Single Mom:

1. As Carrie’s friends mentioned, we definitely aren’t virgins. Now, I’m not saying anyone should or shouldn’t put out before marriage, I’m just saying I would find it a little creepy to date a 30 year old virgin. Our status as parents lets you know we’re not.

2. Single moms have the best cereal selection. Single women have Special K. Single moms have Peanut Butter Cap’N Crunch. Let your stomach decide.

3. Single moms don’t have the time or energy to waste playing games. If we like you, you’ll know it; if we don’t, you’ll know that, too. I see our direct approach as positive, but if you’re into the “mysterious” type, we may not be your perfect match. (By the way, “mysterious” really translates into, “I will play games with you. You will have to chase me. Your friends and my friends will joke about how whipped you are behind your back.”)

4. We don’t calculate your sperm count on the second date. Sure, our clocks may be ticking, but we’re wearing ear muffs. Down the road, if we find ourselves in a happy, healthy, and committed relationship, we may opt to have more children, but we’re not desperate to make it happen today.

5. We’re typically nurturing and our bathrooms are fully stocked with character band-aids. Regardless of age, putting Sponge Bob on a boo-boo always makes it better.

6. Our time is mucho valuable. Like more valuable than a muzzle on Kanye. If we decide to spend time with you, you should consider it a ginormous compliment. It can be quite an undertaking for us to clear our schedule and arrange for a sitter. As such, when we’re with you, we’re REALLY WITH YOU. We’re not scoping the scene or checking our texts hoping for someone/something better. (Plus, we’re just too fertile to slut around.)

7. Raising a child on your own is hard. I’m not whining here, I’m just stating a fact. Single motherhood has a way of beating the selfishness right out of you. As such, we’re generally better, kinder people as a result. Sometimes we even commit random acts of kindness.

8. We secretly like cartoons and video games, too. No judgment here.

9. Just because we can populate the earth doesn’t mean we want to. Accordingly, we’re generally pretty responsible when it comes to birth control because we truly understand the ramifications (both good and bad) of bringing a child into this world. Chances are, you won’t hear us say, “Was I supposed to take the blue pill or the white pill today?”

10. Kids are cool. They aren’t baggage, but they definitely aren’t BOGO either. Simply put, children are special, fun, sweet little creatures. I think the following quote from Jerry Maguire between Jerry and Ray (Dorothy’s son) says it all:

Ray: “D’you know that the human head weights 8 pounds?”
Jerry: “Did you know that Troy Aikman, in only six years, has passed for 16,303 yards?”
Ray: “D’you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?”
Jerry: “Did you know that the career record for hits is 4,256 by Pete Rose who is not in the Hall of Fame?”
Ray: “D’you know that my next door neighbor has three rabbits?”
Jerry: “I… I can’t compete with that.”

So, the next time you meet a single mom, don't be scared. We won't bite (unless you're into that sort of thing).

Meow, Kat

P.S. Don’t shoplift the pootie from a single mom. It’s just not nice.